


saying things that we cant say

by orphan_account



Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Stupid Boys, and everyone else is sick of it, and pregnancy, and there's kids involved, its weird, not male, okay zayn and liam dont really get together, pov changes from liam to zayn, so kinda kid fic but not really, they kinda just struggle around it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 11:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1855999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>liam and zayn are idiots that can never get it right</p>
            </blockquote>





	saying things that we cant say

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is the most time ive ever spent on a fic. i dont have a beta reader and im supposed to be writing my adventure time au but this popped into my head about three months ago and i decided to go with it. any comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated seeing as im kind of a shit writer and i feel as though this story is all over the place. but anyway, enjoy and please comment and shit. i also dont have a beta

he wasn't sure was the thing. he didn't know if he loved him or if he was jealous. it was stupid really. this whole jealous mess of feelings flowing through him. it made him feel like harry after he had lost his favorite fedora. or like niall when his segway broke down. it was just ridiculous and tedious and something he could do without for the rest of his life.

but he loved zayn and he would have to deal with it.

-

it was at breakfast one morning in the flat they shared. liam saw another girl walk out of zayns bedroom. she wore one of zayns button ups that was actually liam's. it barely covered her ass.

liam groaned silently to himself and mustered up a fake smile for the girl.

'morning.' she said cheerfully.

liam nodded over the brim of his coffee cup.

the girl set about making her own tea and humming to herself as she did so. liam wanted to snap at her to put clothes on but he didn't want zayn calling him a square again.

he swallowed when she hoisted herself up on the counter. her shirt riding up and showing off her pale thigh. when he looked up she was smirking at him.

'perrie.' she said

'm'sorry. what?' liam flushed.

'm'name.'

liam nodded.

zayn came out of his room soon after. he smiled at perrie on the counter and fit himself between her legs. liam turned away after zayn proceeded to suck marks into her throat.

'li, did ya make me some breakfast? pez is hungry too, ain't ya babe?' zayn beamed at liam with that smile that made his stomach flip.

liam just smiled and stood up to make it. he listened to zayn laugh with perrie and perrie giggle every five minutes. he didn't get why he kept flinching at the girls floaty laugh. it was lovely she seemed lovely. he just...he didn't know why he was tempted to snap. maybe he needed to get laid.

'almost done.' liam said over his shoulder.

zayn mumbled something and he heard someone leave the kitchen.

liam felt arms wrap around his waist and kissed his cheek.

'you're so good to me babe.' zayn whispered in his ear.

'you want something, z?'

he felt zayn grin against his neck.

liam knew it meant trouble.

'get rid of her for me. '

liam froze. it wasn't the first time zayn asked something like this. once a guy zayn hooked up with stayed at their place for a week before liam had to ask him to leave. zayn was mortified and louis teased him for months.

liam shook his head no.

'please. I don't think I can do it. she's lovely and all but she asked for my number. I think she wants to see me again.' zayn sounded scared at that.

liam remembered a time way back when. when zayn was in love. before liam was in love.

'do it yourself zayn. I won't be able to pick up your messes forever.' liam turned off the stove and angrily set plates on the table.

liam left the kitchen with a quick smile at perrie who was happily texting away on the couch. he shut the door to zayn calling perrie for breakfast.

-

liam had known zayn for eight years before he knew he loved him. zayn with his big eyes and wide smile. the eight year old boy with the cool bike and big collection of hot wheels.

liam wanted to kiss zayn on new years day in 2009. he wanted to spill his guts after three glasses of champagne only to catch him kissing louis during the countdown. both liam and harry went home broken hearted that night.

in the end, liam is twenty one years old and still too scared to tell his best friend he loves him. harry and louis turned out just like everyone thought they would. but liam and zayn. they probably wouldn't work out.

zayn with his perfect smile and beauty. liam knew he could never be good enough. he knew zayn would get bored and leave him for like perrie or even like his gorgeous ex, luke.

-

they hadn't talked after the kitchen. liam came back from his angry walk in the middle of zayn kicking perrie out. and after an hour of listening to zayn kick things around the apartment, zayn left.

liam left for louis' soon after.

' louis.' liam said. as soon as louis opened the door.

he knew.

liam had been struggling with his feelings for zayn as long as he'd been friends with louis.

about six years ago liam and louis became friends. but they hadn't been on great terms because of zayn. liams stupid crush on zayn and louis being best friends weren't great terms. but after the new years snog, liam cried to harry to whom loved louis who also loved harry and it was all a mess. but louis found out and told liam that it was a platonic kiss. soon they were best friends as well. zayn was none the wiser and liam was still hopelessly in love.

but from then on louis was his shoulder to cry on.

'I don't think I can do it anymore.' liams voice cracked at the end.

louis opened the door wider as liam collapsed into his arms.

'haz. pause the movie. I need to talk to liam for a bit.' liam heard harry shout something from their bedroom but ignored it. louis wrapped an arm around his shoulder and led him to the couch in his and harrys small flat.

liam didn't want to cry. he'd had enough of that when zayn told him he wasn't into guys anymore after luke. tears, liam reasoned to himself, were a waste of time.

'I told zayn to kick someone out himself this morning. and...im so sad all the time. I want to quit caring about him. I don't think love is meant to hurt like this.' liam said in an even tine to keep from crying.

'li...I, I don't know what to say to you anymore. you and zayn just run circles around each other. all day. and its so...dumb. im sorry but. tell him or get over him. I can't see you like this anymore.' louis smiled sadly at liam.

'I don't think I can tell him.' liam laughed coldly.

' then move the fuck out.'

-

liam told zayn the next day.

zayn was watching television. well they were supposed to be watching it together but all liam could think about was how much he wanted to get out.

'I can't live here anymore.' liam blurted out at commercial break.

'what?' zayn choked on his beer.

'I want to move out.'

zayn laughed and shook his head.

'real funny, mate.' zayn raised his bottle liam in a mock cheer.

'I want to tell you something. I need you to know why I have to go. I...im so fucking sorry but-'

'what? it can't be that serious.' zayns smile faltered slightly.

'i, fuck, we've been friends forever and I..." liam took a shaky breathe.

'I've been in love with you since I was sixteen.'

the living room was silent except for the television playing.

'im so sorry, li. i-'

'I don't want any apologies. I know you don't want me. and that's fine. you should call perrie you guys looked good together.' liam left the room right after.

liam moved out three hours later. zayn didn't say a word.

-

liam moved in with niall the same day.

'just a few rules. don't touch my baby. don't drink all the beer. if you do, replace it. I don't drink tea all that much but I have a kettle so feel free to stock up.' niall smiled up at liam from his seat on the couch

'now. let's get you some sexy clothes. were hitting up a club.' niall slapped liam on the ass.

'no. i, niall. I want to get over him but its only been four hours.' liam sputtered

'the sooner the better, yeah?' niall rushed off to his room. liam reluctantly agreed and changed into his "clubbing clothes".

an hour later louis and harry were at the door.

'zayn isn't answering my calls. I don't think we should go out.' louis was chewing on his lip as harry stroked his back gently.

'were gonna go by zayns and check on him. we'll talk to you later. have fun tonight, li.' harry nodded at niall and liam before leading louis to the elevator.

'let's get drunk.' liam said as he dragged niall out of the building.

'maybe we should go with louis and harry." niall said.

'I wanna stop thinking about him. god, just for one night, my whole life has been zayn. I just want this tonight. I know I didn't want to earlier but I just want to stop hurting for a while. just a few hours.' liam sighed and sat down on the curb outside the parking garage.

'let's go get wasted then.'

-

liam woke up in a bed that wasn't his and beside a person he didn't know.

he sat up suddenly. the person next to him groaned and reached out for him.

the strangers eyes blinked open and smiled softly at liam.

the girl was pretty. she was beautiful with dark curls and caramel skin. she was warm in every sense of the word and she took liams breath away.

leigh anne.

'morning.' she had a very lovely voice. he could guess she was a singer. liam was sure she would be good.

'morning.'

'm'glad you didn't run out on me while I was asleep. my ex did that. he was a twat.' leigh anne said with a frown.

liam laughed and leigh anne smiled. he breathed deep and flushed at the scent of sex in the room.

'sorry, guess we should shower. maybe we should shower together to conserve energy and shit.' leigh anne waggled her eyebrows at him and liam laughed again.

he really liked her already.

'yeah and shit.'

leigh anne grinned at him before hopping out of bed naked and dragging liam into the bathroom for another round before breakfast.

-

liam left with leigh annes number saved to his phone and a skip in his step.

he hasn't thought about zayn at all when he was with leigh anne. he thought maybe this whole getting over it thing wasn't so hard after all.

-

'liam james payne. where in the name leonardo dicaprio have you been?' niall stood angrily in the door way of their apartment.

'I met someone.' liam glanced around the apartment and saw louis on the couch with a blanket wrapped around himself.

'louis was worried sick. you and zayn not answering your phones.' harry walked out the kitchen with mugs of coffee.

'zayn wasn't home. hasn't been since you left. he went home for a while. said his phone died on the train there.' louis said as harry handed him his coffee.

'im sorry.' liam couldn't look them in the eyes.

'you wanna talk about zayn?' louis looked up expectantly.

'he probably told you what happened. im fine. he's fine. im going to bed.'

liam didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the week.

-

_one month later_

liam went on his first date with leigh anne a month after he and zayn stopped talking. he felt as though that was long enough and leigh anne told him to take as long as he needed.

'I know that we didn't really meet under normal circumstances but I do think you're a lovely person.' liam said to leigh anne after their date.

she blushed and laughed loudly.

'liam. you are so nice its ridiculous. that guy that broke your heart...he missed out.' leigh anne stared dreamily at liam and stood on her tip toes to kiss him.

liam hoped that leigh anne was right.

-

'enough.' harry said.

liam was back from his date with a wide grin on his face. harry glared at liam when he entered the room.

'just talk to him. god, fucking clear the air. I don't want to see him like this.' harry ran a hair through his messy hair.

'he can talk to me anytime he wants. can I just get this? its about me right now. every time I talk to you guys it's about zayn. zayn this. zayn that. zayn who doesn't love me. zayn who didn't stop me from walking out the door.' liam said, his voice cracking at the end.

'liam...' harry reached for him

'no. you don't get to do that. you don't get to accuse me of breaking zayns heart when he doesn't even care. if he cared he wouldn't have led me on for eight years. I need space. or he needs to come clean or whatever. I already told him how I felt.' liam growled as he pulled away from harry.

'liam. that's not fair. its not and you fucking know it. just give him a chance. louis and niall and I have been over to his several times. he's a right mess without you. he's so sorry.' harrys green eyes were wide with worry

'he could call. if he's so sorry.' liam said in a small voice.

harry nodded.

'he's scared you'll hang up on him.'

'I just don't want to deal with it. being in love with him. because I know as soon as I pick up the phone, I'll drop everything for him.'

liam sank to the floor. harry followed and put an arm around his shoulder

'im sorry he doesn't love you. I thought he did, you know? when we were sixteen and so in love. but he said it was stupid. I thought he was going to tell me he loved you. I mean in a way he does.' harry rambled

'not in the way I love him though.'

'no. not in that way.'

'thats fine I suppose. I shouldn't have wasted so much of my life on him anyway. he was a lost cause. a deadbeat. he wasn't even worth it.'

liam turned away from harry so he wouldn't see his tears.

'im so sorry.'

'I just wanna stop. I don't want to see him for a long time. I just can't.'

'you won't. I promise.' harry glanced at his phone.

new message:

_can I come up yet-Zxxx_

-

'hey.' zayn said when liam picked up.

he didn't know where to begin.

im sorry. I might have jumped the gun when I told harry I don't love you. because I do. I really really do. I think I may want to spend a lot of time in bed with you. or out of bed. in the park. or even running. I just wanna be with you.

but instead he said. hey.

'its nice to hear from you.' liam said back.

and that was so liam. so nice even when it was hard.

'I wanted to say I'm sorry.'

'I didn't pick up to hear your excuses, zayn.'

zayn winced. liam only called him zayn when he was angry. maybe he wasnt. maybe he was just tired now.

'how are you?' zayn changed the subject.

'good. I've been dating a girl. her name is leigh anne and she is lovely.'

zayn swallowed his jealousy. so much for proclamations of love.

'that, um, that's great. I bet she's a catch. im glad you're happy.'

'never happier.'

zayn felt his heart stop. liam was happier without him. maybe it was just a saying. maybe it wasn't. maybe he didn't want zayn in his life anymore.

'leigh is good for me. she gets it. I...just really like her.' liam smiled against the receiver.

zayn felt tears prickle.

'great. look, I have to go. but I'll call later.'

zayn hung up before liam could respond.

-

it had been six months and all zayn had done was call. and those only started two months ago.

so liam ignored it. he had a new life. a life with a girlfriend he was starting to really fall for.

and zayn. zayn would call and liam would smile. he would smile but he'd think about leigh. how she smiles when he gives her piggy back rides or when he picks her and her best friend, jade, up from work.

he thinks about how it might not even have been love with zayn if he was able to fall so quickly out of it.

so liam called zayn one day. he called and zayn answered and he realized zayn didn't take his breath away anymore. he realized his world didn't revolve around zayn. or even leigh. it revolved around him and the things he wanted to do.

so when zayn picked up the phone liam said 'zayn i don't think im in love with you anymore.'

and as liams life soared to its highest peaks. zayns crumbled underneath him.

-

'I should go. like liam. he said that it was a silly childhood crush that he never got over. because we were always together. like we were bound to happen or something.' zayn told louis.

'why would you lie? you're an idiot. I don't even know if there is a way to fix all this.' louis let his head fall against the wood of his desk.

zayn sat on louis' bed across the room. he had louis' comforter wrapped around him.

'I think I need to get laid. I dunno. call up perrie.'

'get over him. you fucked up. and liam is a stubborn asshole who realized you aren't worth it.' louis flipped a page in his biology textbook without looking up.

'okay. thanks.' zayn winced at louis' words

'its not liams fault you let a child break your heart.' louis scoffed

'is there something you wanna say louis?'

'luke was, fuck, probably is seventeen and you let him step all over you. like a toy. you let him. and because of that whole lusting fuck after fuck you called love you cant love liam. and he loves, loved you so fucking much. he doesn't even see it anymore. he didn't need that anyway. you're so destructive with your love.' louis sighed at the end and turned to zayn.

'well. all I can think is fuck you. liam was...liam was my best friend. and I lost him. I loved him and he said he loved me and I was too scared to say anything. and I know all this is my fault because I let him walk out. and luke has nothing to do with this. luke wasn't love. I know that now. I know i...I can't do this. I haven't seen...' zayn couldn't continue

his thoughts were scattered and his heart. his heart was broken. louis just said that to him.

'zayn, I'm sorry. I just. I'm tired of this. liam is with someone now. and he's so happy. she makes him so happy. and I want her to be you. I do. but its too late. and I'm sad. but you have to move on.'

zayn got it. he wasn't an idiot he knew that had had missed his chance. that he'd probably never get to be with liam in a romantic way. he just...he just wanted to be sad. he wasn't sure how to not be. liam made it seem easy.

'how do I make it stop. how do I stop hurting?' zayn croaked hoarsely.

louis sat silently as zayn calmed his breathing.

'I don't know, zayn.'

-

it was eight months later that liam ran into zayn at the store. leigh anne dragged him to asda to buy gifts for her parents anniversary. it would be the tenth time meeting them and they absolutely loved him.

'I think this shirt is nice. my dad loves hawaiian shirts.' leigh anne said as she went through the men's section.

liam smiled down at her and wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

'does it matter. get them something nicer. your dad likes them tablets. let's get him one of those.' he mumbled against her head

'quit talking in my hair. I don't have money for a tablet.' leigh anne sighed and cuddled up to liam making kissy noises until he leaned in to kiss her.

liam heard someone clearing their throat behind him.

'hey, liam.'

zayn. liam didn't freeze up like he thought he would when he saw zayn again. he felt nervous. he felt anxious. he was kind of excited. but he wasn't sad. that was a new feeling to have a around zayn.

'hey zayn. long time no see, yeah.' liam untangled himself from leigh anne and pulled zayn in for a hug.

'good. great. im great.' zayn cleared his throat when liam finally let him go.

'I see you're great. this is leigh anne. my girlfriend.'

leigh anne waved at zayn. and zayn hated her. she was everything good that zayn could never be for liam.

'it was nice to see you. like really. I miss you.' zayn shifted from foot to foot before turning abruptly and leaving liam standing there with a confused expression and a bemused girlfriend

-

'so liam. you talked to liam. face to face and shit.' harry nudged zayn.

'he has a very pretty girlfriend. they look nice together.' zayn shoved a file into the drawer in front of him.

harry and zayn were interning at a a local law firm. it was required to graduate from university. zayn hated it and harry was thriving.

'how do you feel? did you guys talk? have you told him?' harry stood in front of zayn so he couldn't put his files away.

zayn sighed inwardly and set down the folders.

'no. he's happy. and I don't want him to waste time in me again. im fine. dandy. getting over him.'

'it does get better. it gets better and you'll fall in love as well. call up someone. go on a date. fuck someone new.'

zayn laughed. maybe harry was right. he just needed to get over liam.

liam with his big eyes. and big heart. liam who was-is- the love if zayns life.

liam. who zayn is getting over. its been nine months. he could do it.

-

zayn called perrie two weeks later. he found her number programmed into his phone. she probably did it while he was asleep.

'hello?' someone answered after the third ring.

'perrie? this is zayn from about nine months ago.'

'this is jesy. perrie's fiancé.'

zayn swallowed. shit.

'sorry. im really sorry. I won't call again.' zayn rushed

'no, no, love. its fine. me and perrie were on a break then its really fine. I do have a question though.' jesy laughed.

'yeah?'

'do you know liam? liam payne?'

zayns eyes fluttered shut. of course. liam would always be in his life it seemed.

'yes.'

'I knew it. when leigh anne introduced us perrie was surprised. she thought you kicked her out that morning because of him. and now he and leigh are getting married and this is so crazy.' jesy said with a manic giggle at the end.

'liam is getting married?' zayn said

'yeah. he proposed to leigh last week. didn't he tell you?'

'no. he didn't. I, um, I have to go. it was nice talking to you.'

zayn hung up and stared at the phone in his hands. he set it down on the coffee table and grabbed his car keys. he needed to be anywhere but in the apartment that constantly reminded him of what he'd never have.

-

'why didn't you tell me?' zayn asked as soon as louis opened to door to his and harrys flat.

'huh? what are you on about?' louis smiled nervously

'I know he's getting married. I called perrie and her fiancé answered. and she's friends with leigh anne and they're engaged.' zayn pushed his way past louis and into the kitchen where harry was staring at the floor

'you both knew.' zayn laughed hallowly

'and, and. im... im. am I allowed to be angry?' zayn slumped against the counter.

'sure you are. liam is too though. he...had his reasons of not telling you. I mean. he told me he really loves leigh. she's great for him, z. she really loves him and he's happy. and I want you to be. just. I dunno. I don't know what to say to you anymore.' louis said

'yeah. I think. I think I should go away for a while.'

'whatever is best for you.' harry whispered.

'im so sorry.' louis said

'I...I won't see you guys for a while.' zayn left the flat without a glance back.

-

_seven months later_

zayn was in amsterdam. he had a beautiful boy under his arm and he hadn't cried over liam in five months.

he was...content. not happy. but content.

he woke up the next morning to a beeping from his phone. another email. probably louis sending pictures of jade pregnant with nialls baby.

he'd only met her once but niall was in love as soon as he set his eyes on the poor girl. and now they were expecting their baby in another five months. niall as a dad would be adorable.

when zayn opened the email, it wasn't jade or even harry with their new kitten.

it was a wedding invitation from liam.

in a month.

-

zayn called louis soon after.

'hellllllooooo! zayn, babe, its been forever. hold on im rubbing jades belly again.' zayn heard louis laugh and a lot of shouting. he missed them a lot.

'zaaaaayn.' harry drawled

'hey, hazza. I got liams invitation this morning.

'oh.'

zayn heard more shuffling.

'how are you?'

'm'fine. I...I thought he didn't want me there.'

'of course he wants you there. he told me. he misses you.'

'not in the same way.'

'he said the same thing to me so long ago.'

zayn frowned.

'im coming home in four days.' zayn wasn't looking forward to it.

'good! we all miss you tons. wait until you see jade. you'll fall in love, I swear.'

zayn smiled at harrys voice. he really fucking missed them. and liam. especially liam.

'I have to pack.' zayn hung up after harry kept making kissy noises into the phone.

home. wasn't exactly a place zayn wanted to be. but liam wanted him at his wedding. this could be his last chance. he could let it all out before liam was gone forever.

zayn decided that he was going to tell liam. he was going to lay it all out. at the bachelor party.

-

_three days later_

zayn was picked up by liam. which was a sick joke because he looked fucking good. he was smiling so wide and had his arms thrown open. his gray sweatpants slung low on his hips.

'hey, z. long time no see, eh?' liam lifted zayn off the ground in a bear hug.

'missed you too, li.' zayn breathed liams scent.

liam smiled down at him with his crinkly brown eyes. his soft smile and full lips. zayn just wanted and wanted.

'how about that bachloer party. excited, yeah? off the the clubs?' zayn joked punching liam in the chest playfully.

'strip clubs mate. haven't needed to go to one in a while. ya get me?' liam laughed

his eyes still crinkled when he was excited.

'I can't believe we haven't hung out in over a year, missed you so much mate.'

'I heard you sold the apartment.' liam said as they put zayns bags into the car.

'had to pay for Europe somehow.' zayn smirked.

'where you staying?' liam drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

'harry and louis'.'

'you could stay with me and leigh. she wouldn't mind. im sure.'

zayn shook his head

'you guys are getting married in like three weeks. I'm not going to invade your privacy like that.'

liam chewed his lip as he turned in to harry and louis' apartment complex.

'yes. of course. just trying to help.' shot zayn a quick smile before parking to car and getting out to help zayn bring his bags up the stairs.

zayn couldn't look liam in the eyes. he couldn't tell him that his love for him is still as all encompassing as it was when he was twelve and realized that he could love boys as much as he loved girls. zayn couldn't tell him that he left london suddenly because he couldn't look liam and leigh anne in their eyes and say that he was happy for them. he couldn't. so he lied.

he smiled at louis. he laughed at harrys awful jokes and liams crinkled smile.

'ill see you lot around, yeah?' liam hugged zayn and louis and harry. he smiled at zayn with that stupid fucking crinkle. and zayn wanted to shoot himself.

'yeah. around.'

-

zayn didn't want to be here. at a strip club. with a very drunk liam payne the night before his wedding.

and drunk liam was quite handsy. with other people. not with him.

'i wanna see leigh. I miss her, hazza.' liam complained while hanging off the taller boys back.

'mmm, that's good, li. you'd rather be with her than getting wasted with your best mates. its fine.' harry said with a sympathetic glance at zayn.

zayn hated it. everyone was still tiptoeing around him. like he would explode any second. and if he thought about it he might. with liam and leigh so in love and harry and louis so in love and fucking perrie and jesy getting married right after liam and leigh anne. its all fucking painful. he wants to choke himself out. and niall. niall who said he'd never be tied down. had fucking knocked a girl up, leaving zayn underwater with no oxygen tank. zayn hated that he was alone. he was so alone.

he left the booth harry and liam were in to go get a shot from the cute bar tender.

'what do you want?' she smiled at him, poking her skinny hip out in invitation.

'um, surprise me, love.' he winked at the girl. she was small and covered in tattoos. her name tag read 'cher' in adorable tilted cursive.

he watched as cher whipped up a fruity looking cocktail, that zayn knew harry would adore, before louis slid into the booth beside him.

'how ya holding up, lover boy?' louis draped an arm around zayn.

'that's a loaded question.' zayn took the cocktail with a quick grin over at cher.

'reckon you're doing well. hot bartender and all. would go for her meself if harry wasn't my husband.' louis joked.

'harry wouldnt like that joke one bit.' zayn chuckled.

'there it is. a smile. haven't seen one in a week.'

'I was gonna tell him. that im still in love with him.' zayn didn't look up at louis

'why haven't you?'

'he's happy and if this is all I can give him. then that's it. this is it.'

'so you're running off again after this?'

'I never had a place here anyway. im...gonna find myself or summat.' zayn shrugged.

'I'll tell liam you went home.' louis left zayn at the bar.

zayn finished his drink and went home.

-  
'thats it then.' liam frowned at zayn. he shifted drunkenly in front of zayn.

'you've just knocked on my door. I have no idea what you're on about.' zayn rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

'tell me what you had to. I heard you and louis at the bar. I wanna get this over with so you'll stop moping.' liam shoved into the flat.

'I...um, its not that easy.'

'you were gonna say you love me. im sorry though. that we could...if maybe a year ago. but I can really only see a future with leigh.'

'right. of cour-'

liam grabbed zayns face and kissed him. zayn responded immediately. gripping liam's shirt and thrusting his tongue deep into the drunken boys mouth. liam moaned and ground his hips against zayn.

'fuck leigh.' liam moaned.

'oh god. I cant. I just wanted one kiss. I...im marrying her tomorrow. I love leigh. I don't want to be with you like that. I can't. I can't.' liam whispered to himself as he rushed out of the apartment.

zayn stood in the middle of the apartment with tingling lips and a shattered heart.

-  
zayn sat in the pews beside his mother. she wiped her eyes and gripped zayns hand tightly as she listened to liams vows. zayn squeezed back reassuringly but remained stiff.

he took a shaky breath and stared straight ahead. he looked at niall holding the rings. he looked at jade standing beside leigh anne with comfy moccasins instead of heels for her swollen feet. he even looked at leigh anne in her white dress and her kinky hair straightened and flowing in waves down her back. zayn still couldn't look at liam.

louis kicked his foot from where he sat beside him. he smiled sadly at his and harrys linked hands. louis smiled briefly before he watched leigh and liam put their rings on one another. he was numb as they kissed and he was numb as they danced. he was numb threw the speeches and he finally felt able to breathe when he left the service. he couldn't stand being in the same room as liam.

he just wanted to go back to louis and harry's to pack a bag and catch the next train to Paris.  
-  
 _eight years later_

'mr. malik, the doctor will see you now.'  
the secretary said to zayn.

he smiled in thanks and ushered his son into the dentists office.

'baba, I don't like the toothbrushes here. they don't feel good. they make me feel like they doctor is gonna poke through my gums.'

'don't be ridiculous, rafi.' zayn said as he took the six year olds jacket off of him and lifted him into the seat.

'I don't like London either. we should move back to grandma.'

'rafi, not now. we'll see grandma in a few months. for christmas remember.' zayn sighed

'we get to see uncle lou and haz more too.'

rafi smiled as zayn ruffled his curly black hair. rafi smiled up at his dad with wide hazel eyes and a toothless grin.

'I get to rub auntie jades tummy again.'

'yeah, again.' if there was one thing about niall, it was his potent sperm.

'hello, mr. rafi! im doctor payne.' liam walked into the room with a white coat on and a faltering grin.

'zayn.'

'liam'

'rafi!'

zayn smiled. liam smiled. rafi asked if he could go yet.

'just a check up. gotta see if all your teeth need to be pulled.' zayn joked

rafi looked horrified and nearly bit liam.

after the appointment, zayn danced awkwardly around liam until liam asked for his number and zayn said yes. zayn was back at louis and harrys in record time

'he's a dentist.' zayn said.

'I know. I still talk to the man. he's still married too. to leigh. they have a kid now. cute bugger. big brown eyes like her daddy.' louis told him

'he met rafi.'

'oh.'

'I think he wants to meet up for coffee or something?'

'don't get your hopes up again.'

zayn scoffed but felt as though he'd already gotten them up.  
-  
 _hey its me-lixx_

_hey lixx-zayn_

_oh-lixx_

_I changed it- dr liampaynedds_

_ur a dick-zayn_

_I wanted to ask u sumthin-liamxx_

_yea-zayn_

_do u wanna get coffee???-liamxx_

_do u mind rafi? -zayn_

_he's out of school rn and louis and harry have their own kid now haha-zayn_

_no problem I'll bring riley, my daughter-liamxx_

_cool. what time?-zayn_

_tomorrow? one maybe.-liamxx_

_okay,mate. cu-zayn_

_cool. bye.-liamxx_  
-  
'but I don't care about the dentist.

'he's my friend. and he has a daughter.' zayn stuffed a hat over his sons curls and patted him on the butt to move him towards the door.

'is she pretty?' rafi asked seriously.

'I've never seen her, raf. how am I supposed to know?' zayn locked the door to his flat.

the cafe he was to meet liam in was five minutes away from his flat so he and rafi walked. rafi complained about the cold the entire time. when they got there, liam was already sat at a booth in the back with a little girl who was kicking her legs back and forth while sipping a drink. she looked to be around rafi's age, with tan skin and hair down her back in one large braid.

she looked just like leigh anne.

'hey.' zayn said when he approached the table.

'hi. um, this is riley. ri, say hello.' liam told his daughter.

'hello!' she smiled brightly.

'this is rafi, rafi say hi to riley and liam.' rafi ducked behind his dad and waved shyly at the riley.

'I think he my like you.' zayn staged whispered to riley who giggled happily.

zayn slid into the booth beside liam while rafi sat next to riley.

'you look great.' liam rubbed his neck.

'thanks. how old is riley?'

'seven. gets on well with kimmy.' liam said.

'I can't believe she's nearly nine. and jades pregnant again. niall sure does know how to pitch.' zayn laughed.

liam smiled at zayns joke but didn't respond for a while.

'rafi's mom left. he doesn't remember her.' zayn told him.

'I-i wasn't.' liam sputtered

'you were wondering. people always do.'

'I've missed you, a lot. I don't remember what happened to make you go but I want you to stay this time. me and leigh want you to be apart of our lives, she said that I should do this. I should apologize or try to make amends if I want you in my life again.'

'hows leigh?' zayn avoided answering.

he didn't know what to say. he still felt for liam. even after eight years and a six year old son. he still wanted to kiss him and tell him everything he wants to hear.

'zayn. please.'

'you kissed me the night before my wedding. and you called me leigh.' zayn didn't look up from the coffee he'd ordered when he got here.

'I...'

'I want you still. even though you're with leigh and you're happy. I want you to be with me. and that isn't fair so...I ran. and that's how I ended up with rafi.'

'zayn. I. I don't know what to say. I want you in my life but not if it hurts you. I still love you a lot but...' liam furrowed his eyebrows and looked away.

'im still in love with you. so I think it's best we don't.' zayn said.

'I wish this had ended differently. in a world where we aren't cowards.' liam whispered.

'me too.'

liam only watched zayn leave. like zayn watched him leave so long ago.

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna tell me how bad this is feel free to message me on tumblr  
> hokageliam.tumblr.com


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